gold digger in red, merry widow in black and dirty mistress in dirty brown

The Ego and I

Fri, 27 Mar 2009 18:00:32 GMT

For the past fifteen months, people have asked me if I am happy with my job. I never fail to catch myself terribly dumbfounded, even for a moment. And to an even greater surprise, people actually expect that I will be.

Nakakapagtaka nga naman isipin na isang bading ang executive producer (at ngayon, creative director na) ng isang sports channel. At hindi lang isang sports channel, kundi isang basketball channel.

Basketbol. Isang mundo ng mga matitikas at maaangas. Bawal ang lalampa-lampa. Bawal ang aarte-arte. Kaya mo dapat makipagsabayan. Kung hindi, mababangko ka lang. Lalamunin nang buhay ang mga peminista dito. Malas ko lang, ito (na) ang mundo ko.

Bago ko pinasok ang trabahong ito, alam kong makikipagsiksikan ang ego ko. Lalaki pa rin ako. May etits pa rin ako. Di ako macho, pero may ego ako. Pakshet kayong mga bakla, kung mag-deny kayo na wala kayong ego. Isinusumpa ko, pagsasasampalin ko kayo.

What puzzles me is why that ego is so dense. It refuses to learn, it refuses to listen, thinking that it knows everything it has to know. Worse, it cannot accept the truth. Bang.

I don't want to think that the ego, well, is just what it is. Until now, I still want to believe that it holds a semblance of truth. But if all I see are your rotten, mediocre selves, you can't blame me if I'm already partly disillusioned.

Hindi man lang ba ninyo naisip kung bakit isang bading pa ang kailangang humarap sa inyo? Para magdikta kung anong kailangan ninyong gawin. Para magsabi kung saan at bakit kayo nagkamali. Para sumuway sa katigasan ng ulo ninyo.

What I'm really trying to say is just very simple. I'm not saying that I'm brilliant. I'm just saying that you are not.

Huwag kayong magalit sa akin dahil nagagalit ako sa inyo. Hindi naman ako dumilat, gumising isang umaga, sinabi sa sariling "Gusto kong magalit ngayon." Simple lang naman yan 'eh. Trabaho ko ang magalit kapag hindi nyo ginagawa ang trabaho nyo. I'm harsh but I'm not heartless. If I was the latter, you would've been goners.

Hindi issue ito ng pagiging bading ko. Trabaho lang, walang personalan. Pare-pareho tayong lalaki dito. Kung gusto ninyo talaga patunayan ang sarili ninyo, ipakita ninyong magaling kayo. Mas maganda kung maipakita ninyong mas magaling kayo sa akin. Huwag ninyo daanin sa lakas ng ego, o sa laki ng etits nyo.

Sa dinami-rami ng mga taong nagkukumahog makapasok sa industriyang ito, nakakahiyang tawagin kayong mga producer. Napakaraming nangangarap para mapunta sa kinalalagyan ninyo. Pero kayo, winawasak ninyo ang napakagandang pagkakataon na sana, napunta na lang sa mas karapat-dapat at sa mga patuloy na nangangarap.

Working as a television producer is a thankless job. People don't care whether it took you the whole day to do that script, or long sleepless nights to edit the material. All that matters is, unfortunately, whether your audience like the final product or not. It's like eating food at a restaurant. You need not be a chef to say that the food tastes terrible.

Tandaan niyo: hindi pera, kundi puso, ang dahilan kung bakit nandito tayo sa trabaho ninyo. Kung pera-pera lang, mag-call center kayo. Ay, oo nga pala, ayaw pala ninyo mag-call center dahil mababa ang tingin ninyo sa marangal nilang trabaho. Napakarami ninyo na kasing napatunayan sa kompanya.

Starting today, there will only be one room for one ego in this department, and that's gonna be mine. And unless yours can substantiate for your talent and intelligence, I'd suggest that you leave yours at the front door before it gets crushed.

Hindi na trabaho 'to. Personalan na.

The Ego and I

Fri, 27 Mar 2009 17:58:25 GMT

Friday the 13th

Sat, 14 Mar 2009 08:31:53 GMT

A creative director slot. And a new reality show.

It was a surreal Friday the 13th.

2008: The Year in Quotes

Fri, 02 Jan 2009 15:43:03 GMT

Recessions, ferry sinkings, political turmoils and sudden deaths. Throw in the black widows and dirty mistresses, a black man in White house and Pacquiao throwing the punch of the decade and you've got one hell of an unforgettable year.

But on a strictly personal note, allow me to pay homage to the hair-raising, hell-raising year by counting down the seven craziest, most unbelievable true-to-life lines of 2008. (Unless otherwise noted, the quotes were from yours truly.)

#7
"Mama, huwag kang mag-alala sa akin. Ang masamang damo, mahirap mamatay."

This year marked the most number times I've ever been in an hospital. Potassium loss, breathing difficulties, collapse, asthma, canker sores. I had so many hospital accounts that my medical insurance wrote to me, asking me to avail of my general check-up. One thing's certain: I should definitely learn to take care of my body.

#6
"Kung lahat ng ngipin eh kasingganda ko, wala nang bibili ng toothpaste. Hahahaha! I'm so witty!" - Isadora Castillejos in Iisa Pa Lamang

Hands down, this was the best series of the year. The campiness is incredible, without any semblance of pretension. On the basis of narrative alone, the story was tight - well, until its latter half. And the best part is that the no actors were added (and this is a quality that plagues most Filipino soaps) as the show progressed.

Why does this deserve a place in my list? For months, I went as early as 730 PM just to catch it when I get home. It wasn't even a habit, it was an addiction. Oh, I can't wait for the official DVD release.

#5
"Hindi ko sinasabing gwapo ako. Ang sinasabi ko, hindi kita type."

No, I'm not spreading homophobia by shaming people in the forums. I just think that a whole chunk of non-straight people, nowadays, think that they can conquer the world with their Photoshopped pictures and trying-hard-to-be-cute-and-intelligent Internet profiles.

I asked a friend on why could my ex still cannot forgive me. He replied with so much nonchalance, "Biatch ka kasi." A few months later, someone asked me why I wasn't into the dating scene. A friend responded, "Biatch kasi siya". Alright, I get the drift.

#5
"Sige, magsama kayo ng kotse mong kakarag-karag!"
"Alam mo, Rainer, hindi kita papatulan." (sabay irap)

This sparked one of the most juvenile (well, for my age) thing I've done for the year: naglayas ako. Sleeping in the office for four nights, then three more in friends' houses, I bred on cup noodles, cold water from the dispenser, boxes of Choco Mallows and packs of SkyFlakes. And the reason for that is because she threatened to take my car. (Italicized because it's really hers.)

I went home on a Sunday afternoon, then drove the car off to have the mags replaced. When I got home, a heartful plate of penne pesto with chicken breast fillet was waiting on the dinner table.

#4
"Dadalhin ko ang korona pabalik ng Antipolo."

For the first time in my life, I went full drag in public to perform a Beyonce number - leotards, high heels and everything-in-between. But it was for, shall we say, a very benevolent reason. After losing out to Makati for the very first time last year, Antipolo wanted the top plum back.

Oddly enough, people think I'd do drag in a heartbeat. It galvanized a personal perception of myself; I am gay, but not too gay. Kidding. To all the fans and constituents, video will be uploaded very soon.

#3
"Ito na siguro ang pinakamaligayang araw ng buhay ko."
"Hoy, hindi ka pa mamamatay!"

For the first time ever, my family, college friends, closest friends, high school friends and half of Solar Antipolo were all in one venue. September 26, 2008, BigSkyMind was closed for my quarter-life birthday party. Poker, booze, good ol' 90s music and shots of Mind Eraser brought the house down.

The pictures from my camera were the last patches of memory I had. The whole night, MJ was with me.

#2
"If you don't get rid of your attitude, I'll get rid of you."

"Rain, di ba may sinasabi ako sa 'yo na concept ko?"
"Wag mong sabihin sa akin. Ilagay mo sa papel!"

Forget the fact that I can be possibly featured on an article of Manual - or maybe, Invoice - for having an incredibly gender-bending job. Handling BTV is the most challenging job I've ever had. With ego and testosterone always at an all-time high, it takes a half-man to do a real man's job.

#1
"Masyado kang madaling magalit!"
"Ma, I'd be nicer if everyone were smarter."

Succinctly put, my anger management skills are now - clap, clap, clap - at the top of my New
Year's resolutions.

Rockin' new year for everyone!

The

Fri, 02 Jan 2009 07:34:28 GMT

Tangential to the my New Year post, it'd be such a waste if we don't relive the great people who gave us these great countdowns. Before Ne-Yo and Rihanna and the slew of (cringe) emo music, and the talent search show calledPinoy Big Brother, I'd like to believe that they were the hottest faces around.

It's my greatest honor to present

. Before emo music and

Charting Unknown Territory

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 22:32:12 GMT

Back in high school, I used to tabulate Channel V's Asian Top 20 and MTV's Asia Hitlist.
I'd watch each episode every week, writing them down in small Cattleya fillers. Every month, I'd type them on Word, print a hard copy and store them in a plastic envelope. If that wasn't tedious enough, I'd plot every song in Excel, plotting their chart movement using a line graph. Once a song falls out of the charts, each graph gets printed - in all its full color glory.

If, for some reason, I missed an episode, I make sure I don't miss the next. An hour before the next episode, I'd be camping in front of the TV, the volume level immeasurable by decibels (to my Mom's annoyance). As soon as VJ Frey, or Jamie or Mike (or even the strangely annoying Sarah Sechan) do their spiel, I make sure I milk every word they say. It becomes a game of context clues - what song slips two down or six up, and what's a non-mover or a new entry. In no time, I'd be furnishing the previous week's list, without having watched the actual episode. Because we never had a VCR, this, albeit immensely tedious, was my only resort.

From October 4, 1997 to July 3, 1999, I listed both countdowns religiously - for a whopping total of more than six hundred weeks non-stop. Until this day, I have no idea what spurred this unexplainable fascination for music video countdowns (and absurd waste of high-grade bond paper). Likewise, I have no idea how this strange obsession came to a screeching halt.

x x x

Between the two, the [Coca-Cola] Asian Top 20 was my favorite. It didn't hurt that VJ Frey hosted it with so much candor, you cannot help but gawk at the screen. He's not drop-dead gorgeous; he's sexy.

But Trey's eye candy material notwithstanding, the Top 20, compared to the Hitlist, had fast chart movement. Celine Dion's most immortal song, My Heart Will Go On, only spent six weeks at the Top 20's #1 spot. In the Hitlist, it was an excruciating ten weeks. Chumbawumba's Tubthumping took four weeks to climb to #1 in the Top 20. In the Hitlist, it took six weeks just to climb to #2 - and unfortunately, it never reached #1.

Faster chart movement means faster rotation of songs, and a faster rotation means more new entries. On the average, the Hitlist has two new entries per week. On the other hand, the Top 20 averages a good four. More new songs ultimately means good TV. Who wants to watch almost the same set of videos, week in and week out? Because of the good number of songs tumbling in and out of the Asian Top 20, there are more song choices to discover. It was in the Asian Top 20 where I first heard Marcy Playground, Save Ferris, Sky, Dakota Moon, the M People, and the Mighty Mighty Bosstones.

On April 9, 1999, Alanis Morissette's Unsent failed to exit the Asia Hitlist, marking the first time that a chart did not have any new entry. The succeeding week, however, had Unsent sent out, and the chart made up for lost ground with three new entries, including Ricky Martin's Livin' La Vida Loca, which would storm to #1 and staying there for, brace yourself, seven weeks.

But what's really worth noting for both charts is the last quarter of 1998. On October 17, the first OPM song debuted in the Asia Hit List. Julie Tearjerky, the Eraserheads' first single from its international release, Aloha Milkyway, surprised at #20. A month later, November 11, Julie was spotted in the Asian Top 20, debuting at #17. For both charts, Julie only stayed for a measly two weeks. But those two weeks, no doubt about it, galvanized a proud moment for this side of Asia.

x x x

In retrospect, I'd like to believe that this once-strange habit is now just a quaint adolescent memory and a neat stack of yellowish, mothball-scented bond papers. The Asian Top 20 and the Asia Hit List are gone, and so are VJ Frey, Jamie and the whole motley crew. But I remember looking at my iPod, to see a bizarre list of names: Anggun, Boyzone, Spice Girls, 911, Ultra, Roxette, Blondie, Robbie Williams, Natalie Imbruglia, Jennifer Paige, Texas, New Radicals. The list goes on. An arresting thought hovers: the past does make who you are.

Happy new year, everyone!

For More Bitchiness

Fri, 14 Nov 2008 14:08:33 GMT

"Sana ang mga anak mo, maging bading na walang fashion sense!"

"Gusto mo ng peanuts? Brain food 'yan!"

"Ang ganda naman ng make-up mo. Pikit ka nga. O, ayan, hindi halata. Para ka lang natutulog."

"Ganda ng boses mo, magtinda ka kaya ng taho."

"Bakit ang mga ngipin mo, puro bagang?"

DLSU-Benildean talks to an USTedyante:
Benildean: "Hay naku, alam mo yang tuition fee nyo, kasing laki lang ng allowance namin."
USTedyante: "Ah, ganun ba? Sabagay, yung allowance namin, kasing laki lang naman ng utak nyo."

X: "Pangit ako diyan sa picture na 'yan! Wag niyo tignan!"
Y: "Ha? Bakit? Kelan ka ba naging maganda?"

"Ganda ng suot mo ah! Parang high school... high school principal!"

"Uy, ang ganda ng make-up mo. Labas na labas ang ganda mo. Lumabas na sa mukha mo."

It's dark and raining outside.
Professor: Tumingin ka sa labas!
* Tumingin nga ang estudyante.
Professor: Yan ang kinabukasan mo!

"Wow baby face ka pala! Mukhang fetus!"

X: "Just tell me you love me and I'm ready to die."
Y: "I love you. Now, would you please die?!"

X: Mukha ba akong pera?
Y: Hinde, mukha kang bayong!

"Limang porsyento na lang tao ka na."

"Don't touch me! Keep your germs to yourself."

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder. What was I thinking?"

"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad, no one likes your wife."

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"I'm so miserable without you. It's almost like you're here."

Don't Try Me

Fri, 14 Nov 2008 13:45:00 GMT

On a strangely bad day, I went online on G4M. There's this thread where you can post whether you say "deal" or "no deal" to the guy who posted before you.

This morning, I lost my brakes along Xavierville, crashed to a taxi and an Innova and missed the taxi's LPG tank by just a few inches.

But I'm very much alive. So posting here should be harmless, I thought.

NO DEAL to the guy above me.

Few moments later, he leaves an angry message in my inbox.

"-to me? lol.. as if naman papayag ako kung ideal mo ko.. look at the mirror bro. no offense.."

I usually put these retards on ignore mode. But then again, whatever doesn't kill me only makes me a bitch.

"Hindi ko sinasabi na gwapo ako. Ang sinasabi ko, hindi kita type. Don't crucify me for my opinion and please, don't be too self-absorbed. Baka malunod ka sa sarili mong mantika.
Once more with feelings, HINDI. KITA. TYPE."

Clicking that send button was the most therapeutical thing I've done in weeks.

Olympia

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 04:54:16 GMT

With the recent conclusion of the 2008 Beijing Olympics, here are a few stirring conclusions:

Team USA's redemption arc is all hype. Save for Team Espana threatening at 89-91 in the final canto of the championship match, Kobe and gang knew they were gonna drub their opponents in double-digits. They just didn't have enough balls to proclaim that they finally got one.
Cut the slack on the Chinese gymnastic team. They are twelve years old and their parents subjected them to backbreaking floor exercises as early as the age of two. The Chinese devised a plan to snatch the gold from Russia and Eastern Europeans. All's fair in love, war and the parallel bars.
Via satellite is a commercial euphemism for delayed telecast with ten commercials every two minutes.
The 2008 Games, in general, was magnificent but lethargic. All the fireworks and political undertones drew the fun out of the Games. If London's 10-minute piece in yesterday's closing ceremonies was any indication, 2012 ought to be a blast. (Pun unintended for the London subway bombings few years back.)
Michael Phelps, Ryan Lochte and Liu Xiang got groupies grappling them. Do Alexandru Bodnar, Raphael Stacchiotti, and Alberto Cissola (indicated in the photos) have the same? Now, maybe they will.

Nudge Nudge

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 02:53:06 GMT

Yes. I am breathing. I will be alive. Soon.

Biting the Bullet

Tue, 10 Jun 2008 14:05:43 GMT

I'd like to think that my previous online posts can be considered online literature. Of course, the word "previous" only spanned until the time of early last year, when my writings slowly sublimated into incoherent ramblings and narcissistic musings.

To rub more salt into the wound, most of them took the form that was tool of the idle, the lazy and the uninspired - popularly known as the bullet. But I would have to use this unflattering form of narrative because I have to let the peasants know what I've been up to. Otherwise, there would no be no way I could explain myself any further.

Now, you bear the brunt.

1. Thanks to Melodie, I am now going to the gym. Before you accuse me of being impulsive to pesky sales consultants, lemme tell you that I already bore the thought months before. But I'm only for the group exercises. I'm not, and never will be, into those weights. I'd rather mingle with the geriatrics doing retro or latin than ogle at some other guy's biceps.

2. I am seriously praying for a Lakers win within the next three days. First, that championship ring is the only thing's missing from Kobe's cupboard this year. Second, they don't deserve to be swept by Boston after overwhelming their opponents in the playoffs. Third, we need a Game 5 just in time for the channel's second re-imaging. If the Celtics don't cooperate, my ass will on the line.

3. Health-wise, 2008 looks very bleak for me. I've been rushed to the hospital three times - the first one's for that heart ailment, the second for the terrible chest pains and just this weekend, for an asthma relapse. I don't remember visiting the hospital so often since I was around six or seven when my asthma attacks were recurrent. I should be alarmed, though, because it's only halfway through the year.

4. There will be no time for vacation until that whole last week of November. Few weeks ago, I thought that I can wait for that. But the retraction will have to come a little early. My anger management problem is at an all-time high. I snarl, growl and fume at the slightest nudge of irritation. My Mom has been complaining that I've been snapping at her lately. I've even called out an ultimatum for two of my producers to leave the department. Of course, that doesn't bode well for my sanity.

5. I've finally kissed a woman on the lips. In public. With cameras rolling, snapping. And people jeering as if that was the greatest show on Earth. Sorry, folks, the only thing I'm getting from it is a little more security about my sexuality.

First Round NBA Predictions (O Di ba?)

Sat, 26 Apr 2008 18:50:35 GMT

Dahil gumagawa na ng kanya-kanyang prediction list ang lahat ng panatiko ng NBA, makikisawsaw na rin lang ako.

WESTERN CONFERENCE:

LA Lakers (1) vs. Denver (8): Everyone loves rooting for the underdog. Kaya, go Nuggets ang drama ko. Pero sabi nga ni Ara Mina, the truth hurts. Di talaga keri ng Denver ang triangle offense ng Lakers. Jordan Farmar, cute ka kahit mukha kang Ewoks. Pero wala kang kwenta, leche. Kobe Bryant and his tamed-down kadupangan in 6.

New Orleans (2) vs. Dallas (7): I love you, Chris Paul. Kung ikaw ang mananalo na MVP, keri lang talaga. Pero mas mahal ko si Dirk saka si J-Kidd. This is a toss-up, I swear. Ang patalbugan ng ganda, sa Game 7 pa magkakaalaman.

Utah (4) vs. Houston (5). I love you too, T-Mac. Pero kelangan mo atang mawalan ng sumpa. Wiz ka na talaga makakaaget-over sa first round. Over my dead kuko, Utah in 5. (Bongga ang West finals pag nagharap si Deron saka si CP3.)

San Antonio (3) vs. Phoenix (6): Grabe, hindi ko talaga ineexpect na maswesweep ang Phoenix ng 0-3. I feel so sorry for Steve Nash. Mukhang dedsung na ang mga pangarap niyang makuha ang championship ring. Wiz na itey. Just for the record, if you're coming from a 0-3 deficit, wala pang nananalo ng NBA Finals . Paki-cue na natin si Elsa for her dramatic entrance. Makinig ka, D'Antoni, walang himala. Of all predictions, this one hurts the most dahil love ko talaga ang Phoenix. San Antonio in 6.

[In Boy Abunda tone: Susunod ...!]

EASTERN CONFERENCE:

Cleveland (4) vs. Washington (5): Ito lang talaga ang kaabang-abang na match-up sa East. Agent Zero, wag ka kasing gora nang gora. Ayan, back to injury mode ka na naman. Deshawn at Souljah Boy, kahit mag-let's volt in pa kayo, kakabugin lang kayo ni Lebron. Cleveland in 7.

Detroit (2) vs. Philadelphia (7): Ang Deeeee-troit talaga, eeksena pa. FPJ syndrome ito, I swear. Ang bida, laging pabugbog muna. Deeeee-troit in 6.

Orlando (3) vs. Toronto (6): Keber. Hay nako, nakakaantok kayo, punyeta. Orlando in 5.

Boston (1) vs. Atlanta (8): Keber talaga. Next round please. Ilabas na ang mga walis tingting.

Huwag Mong Tanungin Kung Okay Ako

Sun, 20 Apr 2008 14:40:45 GMT

Siguro umabot na sa 'yo ang mga nagsulputang ispekulasyon. Bakit hindi ako nagpaparamdam? Tinotoo ko na nga ba ang pagpunta sa Australia? Kasalukuyang ba akong nagtatago dahil sa kasong kriminal? O di kaya, ako'y puwersahang kinaladkad sa loob ng simbahan para magbagong-buhay at kalimutan ang lahat ng aking mga makamundong pagnanasa? Maraming tanong, ni walang bakas ng kasagutan. Sa wakas, binabasag ko na ang katahimikan sa nag-iisang tanong ng bayan: Kamusta na si Rain Balares?

Okay naman.

Sa dinami-rami ng matinong sagot na pwede kong ibigay sa iyo, napakawalang-kuwenta ng sagot ko. Pero iyan huwad ang katotohanan. Hindi ko pwedeng sabihin na ako'y masayang-masaya dahil hindi naman ako nanalo ng tumataginting na 250 milyong jackpot sa lotto. At hindi pa ako natatanggap sa inapplyan kong trabaho sa National Geographic Channel sa Hongkong. Hindi rin naman sirang-sira na ang buhay ko na gusto ko nang iumpog sa sarili ang llave de tubong nakatengga sa sopa ngayon.

Samakatuwid, ako'y okay naman.

Sa buong Solar, ako na lang yata ang nag-iisang hindi pa tumataba. Sa tuwing kakandong ako sa mga kasamahan ko sa opisina, lagi silang umaaray sa sakit. Para daw silang sinasaksak dahil sa sobrang tulis ng puwet ko o di kaya'y bumabaon yung mga buto-buto ko sa laman nila. Di ko akalain, lethal weapon pala ako.

Malas ko pa, lalo pa akong nangayayat dahil kakagaling ko lang sa ospital. 125 pounds na ako nung March, naging 112 na naman ngayon. Dalawang linggo na kasi ang nakaraan, mula noong kumain kami nila Mama sa Italianni's Trinoma. Sa sobrang busog, nagyosi ako sandali. Pero bigla na lang akong pinanghinaan, nagdilim ang paningin at pinagpawisan nang malamig habang unti-unti akong nauubusan ng hininga. Hindi ako tuluyang nag-collapse dahil nakuha kong pigilan ang sariling magblack-out. Hindi kaya ng kahihiyan ko ang bumulagta sa harap ng gitna ng mall.

Kinailangan kong ma-confine sa St. Luke's dahil bumagsak na raw ang potassium levels ko. Kumbaga, kinulang ng supply ang Napocor mula sa Angat Dam. Ang resulta: isang malawakang blackout. Sa madaling salita, kulang ako sa saging. Kung anong ibig sabihin nun, kayo na bahalang humusga.

Pero hindi doon nagtatapos ang problema. Kinailangan akong idaan sa masusing ECG, 2D Echo at ultrasound ng dibdib. Natagpuan ang isang di-inaasahang pagkapal ng isa kong valve sa puso. Sabi ng doktor ko, isa lang ang nakikita niyang sanhi nito: ang di-makatarungan kong lifestyle ng yosi, inom, pagod at puyat. Ang masama nito, walang lunas sa ganitong sitwasyon. Pag lumala, mauuwi ako sa stroke. Dalawang yosi na lang ako sa isang araw dahil ayokong makita sa salamin na nakangiwi na ang labi ko. Pero sa ngayon, huwag muna kayong magpapiyesta: hindi pa ako mamamatay.

Malaking factor sa pagkakasakit ko ang pagkasubsob ko sa trabaho. Flexi-time ako pero madalas pa rin akong gabihin sa pag-uwi. Kung may overtime pa siguro ako, gumugulong na naman ako sa salapi. Sabi nga ni Hazel sa akin, tinatrato ko na silang bata. Kaya ayun tuloy, asal-bata na rin sila. Kulang na lang, sintasan ko na rin sila ng sapatos. Sana lang, isa sa mga producer ko ang makabasa nito. Mahirap na ngang mag-isip para sa limang tao. Ano pa ang sumalo ng pagkakamali nila?

Pero kung may mas masaklap sa problemahin ang limang tao, iyon ay ang maging problema ko ang sarili ko. Kapag may nakakasalubong sa akin at tatanungin kung sino na naman ang kaaway ko (ang hirap kasi maging transparent sa ibang tao), sinasabi ko na lang na wala. Para naman akong tanga kung sabihin ko na kaaway ko ang sarili ko. Kapag hindi makuha ng ibang tao ang gusto ko, minsan parang gusto kong saksakin ang sarili ko. Gusto mo man ibaba ang kagustuhan mo, hindi mo magawa dahil pag ginawa mo iyon, alam mong hindi na ikaw iyon. Ladies and gentlemen, ito ang hirap sa pagiging perfectionist. Akala mo, ibang tao lang ang nahihirapan para makuha ang standards mo. Pero kung tutuusin, ang sarili ang mas nahihirapan. At minsan, gusto na lang sumuko nito.

Isang araw, habang naghihintay ako sa editor kong nagmeryenda lang sandali, kinuha ko ang notebook ko para lang magsulat ng kung anu-ano. Madalas, nakakagawa ako ng tula sa kakaganito lang. Pag naumpisahan ko na kasing magsulat, di ako titigil hanggang sa makatapos ako ng kahit isa man lang.

Lumipas ang dalawang oras. Nakapagmeryenda na ang editor ko. Natapos na ang plug ko. Wala pa rin akong naisulat, kahit isang tulang duling. Nakakalungkot isipin na nakalimutan ko nang magsulat para sa sariling kahumalingan. Oo nga't araw-araw akong nagsusulat at nagbabasa ng script ng ibang tao. Pero, trabaho yun at tungkol pa sa basketball yun (as if para namang pwede kong hugutin ang deeper meaning of life kay Kobe at Lebron). At sabi nga nila, kapag ang isang bagay na gusto mong gawin ay naging trabaho, dumarating ang panahon na hindi na siya ma-eenjoy gawin. Malas ko lang, napaaga ata ang dating niya.

Nandito ako ngayon sa punto ng buhay ko kung saan kailangan kong panagutan ang mga naging desisyon ko. Diretso ang daan, walang aninag ng kahit anong u-turn slot o intersection. Hindi naman pwedeng magmadali dahil baka hindi ko makita at malampasan ko 'yon. Siguro pag nakita ko iyon, doon na lang uli ako gagawa ng desisyon.

Pero ngayon, steady lang. Hindi pwedeng huminto dahil pag nangyari iyon, baka mapag-iwanan ko't pagsisihan ko. Hindi naman sa sinasabing wala tayong choice. Hindi lang lahat ng pagpipilian natin, gusto natin. Hindi na nga siguro ako nakakapagsulat gaya ng dati, pero nagagawa ko nang nang manood ng NBA nang hindi ako napipilitan. Biruin mo, ala-6 na ako natulog dahil inabangan ko yung Cavs-Wizards saka Suns-Spurs kaninang madaling araw. Sayang lang at hindi nakasilat ang Phoenix. Pero, uunti-untiin ko nang magsulat uli. Baka nga naman makita ko ang deeper meaning of life kay Kobe at Lebron. Kung napansin mo, hindi ako sumusulat ngayon sa Ingles dahil ayoko namang lumabas uli ang pagka-burgis ko.

Kaya kung tatanungin mo ako kung kamusta naman ako, ang maisasagot ko lang sa iyo: okay naman.

Siguro.

Stumped on a Question

Fri, 19 Oct 2007 20:06:26 GMT

Few weeks back, a friend asked me, out of nowhere, "How come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Uh-oh, it's the most dreaded question. Dreadful, I dare say, not because the answer is not in the affirmative. It never crossed my mind that the lack of one was a self-deprecating situation (though I wouldn't categorically say that it's a blissful thing either).

I just don't like explaining myself. The follow-up question, otherwise known as the why, is almost always inevitable. Answering that question instinctively requires me to unearth my whole life story. And for a copywriter, it's frustrating to realize that a perfectly succinct answer is out of reach.

I took out my phone, checked the time and asked my friend if we should take a quick snack, of course, in a very nonchalant fashion.

"Di ka kasi makahanap ng mas magaling pa sa 'yo."

I took out my bottled water and gulped. My friend's a better copywriter than I am.

Over SMS (Part Two)

Sun, 30 Sep 2007 18:24:43 GMT

[It's one of those guys who just don't wanna give up.]

Him: Aw shucks, hindi kayo pasok sa finals.
Me: Yeah.
Him: Nalulungkot ka ba?
Me: May natatalo bang masaya?
Him: Kung hindi mo gustong manalo. Pero, in this case, hindi ata tamang magsaya. Sorry.
Me: I'm not used to losing.
Him: That's you eh. Kaya, I find you engaging.
Me: Oh, you do? I thought you were about to tell me that I'm cocky.
Him: Yeah, I do. I like people with attitude.
Me: People with attitude problem?
Him: Medyo. But I don't see it as a problem, I think it's fun.
Me: Y? Are you a pain in the ass?
Him: Kung minsan, masama akong mag-playtime ng tao.
Me: Masama akong gumanti.
Him: Ano bang pinakamasama mong nagawa?
Me: You wouldn't wanna know.
Him: Hindi na lang ako magpapahuli.
Me: I have a strong bullshit radar.
Him: That's nice. How did you get that radar?
Me: It takes a criminal to know what's on a criminal's mind.
Him: Exciting, haha. Are you a criminal?
Me: You'll find out soon enough.
Him: Why soon enough?
Me: I told you, you don't know me too well.
Him: Kaya nga, I want to know more.
Me: Hindi mo magugustuhan ang malalaman mo.
Him: Try me.
Me: Baka pagsisihan mo.

The Impostora's Dead

Sat, 22 Sep 2007 17:45:30 GMT

Impostora finally wrapped up. I am starting to believe that this is Direk Maryo J's way of reviving camp. The evidence: Karen's mom is Deborah Sun who was one of Joey Gosiengfiao's babies and incidentally, Azenith Briones' loyal househelp in the campiest Pinoy movie ever made, Temptation Island.

To cut the chase, here are more quotable quotes from the soap.

x x x

Betty: Sa susunod na tumawag ang principal, sabihin mo sa kanya, "Go to hell". Kaya mo bang i-pronounce ang "go to hell"?
Katulong: Opo. Go to hell po.
Betty: Good. Now, go to hell.

x x x

Lara: Hello Tita Betty!
Betty: O, Lara!
Lara: Buti naman at nakilala mo ako!
Betty: Ba't naman di kita makikilala, gaga! Naka disguise ka ba? Kahit anong pang suotin mo, jologs ka pa rin! In other words, Rated PG! Patay gutom!

x x x

Betty: Dudukutin natin si Sara. Babalik ka sa bahay ni Nicolas at magpapanggap na si Sara. Yun ang perfect way para mapaibig si Nicolas. What do you think, honey? Am I brilliant or WHAT?!?
Vanessa: You're right ... mommy!
Betty: I love you, baby!

x x x

[Inaalok ni Betty ng red wine si Sara]
Sara:: Hindi ako umiinom.
Betty: Ano'ng hindi umiinom? 7 years old ka pa lang, ako na ang nagpapainom sa 'yo!

[Nasarapan si Sara sa red wine]
Sara: Okay pala 'to. Inay, halika, tagay tayo!
Betty: Inay ka diyan! Anong inay? Ang cheap cheap ha! Mommy! Mommy ang itawag mo sa akin!

x x x

Katulong: Ma'am, hindi po kayo pwede pumasok dito. Banned po kayo dito sa mansion.
Betty: Ganun ba? Spell banned!
[In the end, pinapasok pa rin si Betty sa mansion]

x x x

Lara: Aalis na kami ng kapatid ko!
Betty: Over my dead vovacious body!

x x x

Sofia: Go forth! And multiply! In other words, tsupi!
[Tapos, bigla siyang na-straight jab ni Lara sa sikmura]

x x x

[Hawak-hawak ang nakatakas na si Sara]
Betty: Fate is on our side. What a wonderful fate, I must say, friend ha! Mahal pa rin ako ng Diyos!
Sofia: Sino ba'ng Diyos mo? Si Satanas?

x x x

[Nagising sa hospital bed]
Betty: Nasa langit na ba ko, friend?
[Sofia hindi pa maka-imik]
Betty: Kung sabagay, kung nasa langit na ako, dapat wala ka rito.

x x x

Sara: Bakit may kabaong?
Betty: It's your lucky day, sweetheart! Maeexperience mo ngayong gabi ang malibing ng buhay!
Sara: Parang awa nyo naman po, huwag nyo ako ilibing ng buhay.
[Betty pa-awa effect]
Betty: Ow, talaga? Alam mo Sara, tutal malapit na ang Christmas, bakit di mo subukan sumulat kay Santa Claus. Baka sakaling pag good girl ka, maawa siya sa yo, i-grant niya ang wish mo. Boo-hoo-hoo.
Sofia: O kaya, sumulat ka kay Vicky Morales sa Wish Ko Lang. Balita ko mabait yun.
Betty: Friend, ang galing mo na! Natututo ka nang maging mean!
Sofia: Syempre, kakasama ko sa 'yo! [apir kay Betty]
Betty: I love it! You're the best! [kikay mode]

x x x

[Sofia, tinutukan ng baril ang driver]
Driver: M'am? Holdap 'to?
Sofia: Tanga! Mas mayaman ako sa yo, noh!

x x x

[Vanessa, tinutukan si Sara]
Vanessa: Bakit parang nakakita ka ng multo?
Sara: Vanessa?
Vanessa: Bakit? Sino ba sa akala mo? Si Nora Aunor? Wala naman akong nunal sa mukha ko!

Of Roles and Villains

Thu, 13 Sep 2007 16:05:12 GMT

Over SMS.

Him: Are you still mad at me?
Me: What do you think?
Him: You've answered me with an0ther question. That is quite puzzling.
[no reply from me]
Him: Are you in the mood?
Me: You're a smart kid. I'm puzzled that you are. And I'm not in the mood for anything that has to do with you.
Him: Boy, I must've stricken hard something on you for you to abhor me that much. What amount of apology will change your mind.
Me: No apologies needed. I just want to have a good riddance of you.
Him: Mea culpa.
Me: Sayonara.

Few days ago, I told someone that I'm tired of being a villain. I'd like to take the opportunity and backpedal a bit. I think I'd rather gun people down and walk away in my high heels, while I hear them curse me as I slowly fade into the dark background.

Sino'ng Impostora?

Sun, 09 Sep 2007 12:51:38 GMT

Though I only started watching on its homestretch, I'd dare say that Impostora is, perhaps, one of the best dramas ever made by GMA. This says much because GMA, regardless of ratings, has a terrible record for producing dramas.

The strength of the soap lies in its screenplay. Its campy attack on an already hard-hitting drama adds richness to the plot and the characters of the show. Had Direk Joey Gosiengfiao died much later, he could have been wryly smiling by now. It's high-time that the trademark campiness of his films finally tricked down - and take note, used so effectively - to Philippine television.

x x x

Sofia: Kamusta naman ang plano mo kay Sara?
Betty: SOP na SOP!
Sofia: Anong SOP?
Betty: Super OK, Pare!

x x x

Betty: Kailangan ko balikan ang shawl ko! [shawl pronounced as shole]
Sofia: Yan ba ang shawl mo?
Betty: Oo, ang ganda di ba?
Sofia: Shawl ba yan? Balabal lang yan! Mukha kang matanda! Kulang na lang sa yo, tumba-tumba!

x x x

[Nakita ni Vanessa na nag-aabang si Anatella sa labas ng kwarto]
Vanessa: Kanina ka pa ba naghihintay?
Anatella [sabay tumayo]: Long enough!

Anatella: Nasa'n si Sara?!
Vanessa: Hindi ko alam!
Anatella: Baka ito maalala mo! [Sabay sampal kay Vanessa]

x x x

[Vanessa akmang tatakas mula kay Nicolas]
Nicolas: S'an ka pupunta!?
Vanessa: Sa impyerno! Sama ka?!

x x x

[Anatella tinutukan ng baril si Vanessa]
Vanessa: Sige, Anatella! Subukan mo! Subukan mo akong patayin!
Anatella: You've always been like that Vanessa. All bark and no bite!

x x x

Fritzie: Tapos na ako kay Lara, pwede na kitang iwanan.
Betty: Baka nakakalimutan mo, kasabwat kita dito.
Fritzie: Basta, ayoko na!
Betty: Sa ganda mong yan, di ka ata bagay sa koreksyonal. Saka, girl, hindi yata bagay ang mga nails mo sa preso!

x x x

[Habang pinapanood na ipinapagaya ang peklat ni Sara kay Vanessa]
Sofia: Bilib talaga ako sa mga ginagawa mo para gawing Impostora si Vanessa.
Betty: O di ba bongga? Magdididikit ka kasi sa mga katulad naming matatalino.
Sofia: Grabe ka naman. Ikaw na nga ang pinuri, ginawa mo pa akong tanga!

x x x

Sara: Wag mo akong sisigwan!
Betty: Bakit? Mataas ba ang PIITTTCHHH!?!

Sky Scam

Sat, 08 Sep 2007 07:41:20 GMT

In today's broadsheets, SkyCable published this ad, announcing its new channel line-up effective January 1, 2008. What struck me was this "disclaimer", all in fine print:

"This new channel line-up was developed as a result of consumer feedback, ratings and commercial consideration, and designed to ultimately benefit SkyCable subscribers. With the entry of these new channels in January 2008, SkyCable will no longer carry te following channels: Basketball TV, Solar Sports, JackTV, ETC, 2nd Avenue and Crime/Suspense."

About the impending pull-out of Solar channels from Skycable, I've heard of this news long ago, perhaps, as early as July. More so was the news about the new channels of SkyCable - or should I say, my former company, CPI. The idea of a male-oriented programming has been in the works even when I was still with CPI-ABS. A little fast-forward, I can even distinctly remember that, on Pinoy Big Brother Season 2's Big Night, I was even invited to send my application for the new channel(s). The thought of reuniting with my former collegues was tempting. But if I took the risk, I thought that I would be dealing my resume a big blow.

I expected SkyCable to announce its new channel line-up shortly before Christmas. On a capitalist perspective, it's only logical to do so. You provide your subscribers less time to scrounge and scamper for an alternative option. By the time the new channels finally air, the subscriber is forced to try out the new channels and thus, delaying the decision-making process. The logic behind the "justice delayed is justice denies" applies and soon, the idea of switching becomes history. In the end, it was SkyCable who took an alternative route. By announcing the new channel line-up as early as September, things become stiffly complicated and essentially, giving Solar Entertainment more time to gasp for its last breath.

While Solar can easily argue that SkyCable isn't the only cable TV provider in the country, it cannot be denied, however, that SkyCable is the Mega Manila of cable TV. Such is the case of ABS-CBN, which ironically happens to control SkyCable, who has bitterly learned from recent history that when you lose Mega Manila, you lose a whole lot of moolah. BTV has a new NBA season to look forward to, 2nd Avenue renewed momentum since its detachment from ETC, Crime/Suspense acquired popular series ranging from Survivor, Heroes, Prison Break and 24. Of course, Solar Sports, Jack TV and ETC remain undislodged.
Just when the six cable channels are quite running smoothly, the pull-out from Sky is actually bad timing for the vast Tieng business empire.

Many have forgotten that the Tiengs also happen to control RPN-9's primetime slot. I honestly believe that the channel is clinically dead; the only reason why it's there is because of two reasons. First, as a state-controlled entity, it remains a cheap avenue for pro-government propaganda. Second, the Tiengs refuse to pull the plug on RPN primetime - because despite their strong television presence, this is their only stronghold on free TV.

Unless they have realized this underlying fact, RPN-9 might just be their weapon for that last battlecry to regain what they will ultimately lose from the SkyCable caucus. Throw in Manny Pangilinan's interest to privatize RPN-9 and his recent closed-door meetings with the Tiengs and they might just find that silver lining. You do the math.

The Spice Girls, Live in Manila!

Fri, 27 Jul 2007 20:42:45 GMT

This can only be possible if you vote for Manila as one of the concert cities for the most-awaited reunion concert tour of all! Coming this 2008!

Vote for Manila in http://www.thespicegirls.com .... C'mon, you can't be a fool not to vote. Napapanalo nga natin ang Philippines sa Miss Photogenic ng Miss U saka sa semis ng Miss World. Heheh.

Please pass this around!

Happy Month-sary Kanino?

Sun, 22 Jul 2007 10:19:24 GMT

[This is the sequel to that letter to last week, albeit for a different person. This one, though, was sent personally.]

Archie,

If I could recoil the things that happened, I'd go back to that lonely corner of Kamuning and Judge Jimenez, in the very minute when I "quit" on you. On the defensive, I just wanted to keep ourselves from getting hurt. But then again, I quickly learned my mistake; my insensitivity was nowhere near the scalding memory of your 7-year relationship.

I'm the bastion of pride and ego. Everyone who's close to me know that too well. But the moment I went up to you in Ybardo, I had to surrender because that time, I wasn't ready to lose you. Unfortunately, I think that was also the time that you wanted to lose me.

Days passed and you became so frigid, so unaffected. You even told that you weren't ready to get serious. The Archie that I met in Esquinita, in Seventy-Seven, in Nato's just had a complete turnaround. Even if we watched Transformers few days later, I will swear by Optimus Prime that things had never been the same. I never knew what happened to you. I never knew what happened to us.

I'm not sure if this is love or infatuation. All that mattered was one thing: masaya ako sa naramdaman ko at ginusto kong ipaglaban 'yun. But you hurled excuses at me. You didn't even bother to reply to my messages. If ever you did, kailangan ka pang bulabugin ni John sa cubicle n'yo para malaman kung buhay ka pa. You told me that you were just too busy with your shoots. You said you were just tired.

But maybe you've forgotten that I also work for TV. The irregularities of our work make it such an easy scapegoat for our problems. I know a bluff when I see one because it takes a criminal to get inside a criminal's mind. But I'll come clean this time; I never obliged you to anything. All I asked for was a little respect: the decency to respond.

When I tried to make things work for us, I asked myself to know if this is worth anything. You were nursing a broken heart; I'm still atoning for my ex. Just like everyone else, I'm scared of the stinging pain of defeat. But I realized one thing, I'd rather live a life of pain than live a life of regret.

Life has a strange way of throwing surprises at you. I never expected my friends - John, Lea, then my two closest friends at work and my dear college barkada - would be tremendously supportive of me. When I think of them, I'd say that, in a heartbeat, it was worth it. It doesn't, however, conceal the disappointment. I feel sorry for myself that I gave you a chance. But I even feel sorry for you because you didn't give me any.

For the record, I never gave up on you. I just know when to stop. Since Peter, my last ex of two years, it's been awhile since I opened myself to someone else. For the longest time, I was a cold, heartless bitch who dumped guys like there's no tomorrow. Everything's just carnal until, well, you came along.

Archie, hindi ka mahirap mahalin. For all the pain you've endured, you deserve someone better than your ex. No one has the right to make you miserable. I hope you find what you're looking for so that you'd be ready to live and love again. But don't ask me how to become happy because all I know is that there's no road to happiness; happiness is the road. And for a brief fleeting moment of my life, I took that road with you.

I'm giving you this letter on this day, the 23rd of July, because it's been a month since I met you. Binilang ko ang mga araw na tiniis kita dahil hinihintay kong dumating ang araw na matuto kang magmahal muli. I was secretly hoping that by that time, I'd still be there for you. I was ready to give everything without asking for anything in return. But you conspired with the universe to teach me something: there's no point in giving if no one's willing to take it.

Naging baliw ako sa 'yo pero hindi ako sigurado kung para sa 'yo, kaya kong maging tanga. Sinabi mong magtulungan tayo. Pero hindi ko nakita sa 'yo yun. Alam mo, Arch, sa dinami-rami ng kaya kong ibigay, kailangan ko namang magtira para sa sarili ko. That's the pre-requisite of love; you can never fully love someone unless you learn to love yourself.

My gut feel tells me that you're seeing someone else so I'm not quite sure if you're gonna give this a second chance. Whatever's running inside your mind right now, let me know. For the first time, you're obliged to do that for the simplest of reasons - I deserve to know.

I'd still want to see you. But when that time comes, all I'd be asking for is closure. If you think that you won't be needing that, at least for the first time, you'd give me something. Make that my consolation prize for at least, until the very end of this special thing that happened between us, I know I tried.

Rain

A Happy Birthday to You, By

Fri, 13 Jul 2007 19:51:26 GMT

[Something I sent to to his Friendster this morning before I hopped to sleep.]

Pedro!

I just wanna greet you a happy, happy birthday! Tiyempo na online ako, tapos naalala ko lang bigla. After all these trying times, the number 0714 still rings a bell and in more ways than one. Between us and the people who were close to us, we know that it's not just your birthday.

It's been a really long while since we last talked. I think it has been almost two years, if I'm not terribly mistaken. Though we ended things on a particularly sour note, I do hope that we've buried everything in the past. For every tear and every heartache I've brought you, words are, and will never be enough to express my guilt. Though I did mean to hurt you that time, I believe what I did was out of rage and not because you deserve to be miserable. And for that, I believe that you deserve better, someone better than me.

I've heard through the grapevine that you're doing great. I'm genuinely happy for you, your job and your guy. I am still hoping, though, that one day we can still have coffee. That is, if your guy is open-minded enough about the idea. No pressures: I just want us to catch up on each other, reminisce the good times, just like what I asked you when we last talked over the phone, while I was bawling myself to tears behind my steering wheel in a lonely street corner in Scout area.

Just so you know, things are rough but I'm surviving. The life of an executive producer is absolute hell but I'm enjoying it. While I cannot particularly attribute it to the stress levels, I have a love-hate relationship with my job. Many times I've tried to quit but many times I've told myself to be strong. I guess that's the essence of a commitment. You can't promise that it's not gonna be a bumpy ride, but you can always promise to hang on and never let go.

You know what, looking back, many of these things, I actually learned from you. You were childish, you were stubborn, perhaps because you were younger than me. On the other hand, ako yung mas matalino, mas marunong, mas magaling. Hence, ako dapat yung laging tama. But being an Einstein doesn't have anything to do with being a Romeo. Between the two of us, I'm emotionally immature. Even if I claim that I did actually love you, your patience and persistence with me remains overwhelming. You have no idea how much it's helping me right now. To put it quite succinctly and, well, quite cheesily, you've actually made me a better person. And I've yet to find another special someone who can do the same thing that you did to me.

It's been a blast that you've been a great part of my life. Too great, perhaps, that my Mom still asks me about you up to now. All I can say is that, and I hope I'm right, you're happier with someone else.

I wish you joy, health and happy hormones. I really do hope to see you soon.

Rain

Nagbubulakbol

Tue, 10 Jul 2007 18:22:14 GMT

Sa isang gabing pagkakamali, sandaa't isang maghapon ang kapalit.

Ang ginusto ko lang, huwag akong masaktan at huwag kang masaktan. Pero pinagbabayaran ko ito, buong-buo at walang hinihingi. Hindi mo alam kung gaano kasakit pagbayaran ang simpleng kong kagustuhan na walang masaktan sa ating dalawa. Pero bakit ngayon, nagtutubos na ko't lahat, ako na lang ang nasasaktan at hindi ikaw?

Sabi ko nung isang araw, dahil sa 'yo, hindi na ako manhid. At parang kaya ko nang mabuhay muli. Oo, may ganung drama. Pero kung ganito ang mabuhay, shet, hindi na ako takot mamatay. Ang gusto ko lang ngayon ay maging masaya. Dumaan pa talaga ako ng simbahan kagabi para ipagdasal yun. Pero bakit sa tuwing gagawa ako ng tama, lagi na lang ibang tao na lang - at hindi ako - ang masaya? Naisip ko lang, hindi ba pwedeng ako naman ang gumawa ng mali para ako naman ang maging masaya?

Kung nababasa mo lang 'to, 'taragis ka. Sabi nga ni Jack Twist kay Ennis sa Brokeback Mountain, I wish I knew how to quit you. Sana nga alam ko para sa wakas, bumalik na ako sa dating ako. Trabaho, kaibigan, ka-ibigan, kaya kong bitawan yun sa sandaling maisip ko. Pero ngayon, naghihingalo ako para lang gawin yun. Dahil pag ginawa ko, baka pagsisihan ko. Dahil pag di ko ginawa, baka ikamatay ko. Pero kahit anong gawin ko, lolokohin ko lang ang sarili ko dahil parang ang hirap maging manhid uli. Malas ko lang, 'di talaga kita kayang tiisin.

When Everything Reminds Me of You

Thu, 28 Jun 2007 16:39:15 GMT

Nursing a stonecold heart finally took its toll. I feel inept, inadequate, yearning for answers that, despite rational thought, can't be answered overnight. Three months before my 24th birthday, an Archimedes' moment flashed: intellectual thought is not all that matters. Because, when every single answer results to a million questions, experience counts.

Pain is something I've successfully eluded for years. I avoid risks because there's always a chance of pain, of defeat and of losing my ego, my most prized possession. For the first time in years, I decided to take a plunge. Because if I won't, then when? At this very moment, I realized I had a greater fear: regret.

What once refused to open is now beating once again. The feeling is, though it's not just one, is indeed, the most splendoured thing in the world. But the splendor comes with the batshit craziness, the questions that will remain unanswered, the ego that will continually become bruised. When any song that reeks of sappiness - from Dave Matthews to Jordan Knight and MYMP to Ne-Yo - becomes your theme song, all signs point to a solitary direction. You're truly, madly, deeply, crazy in love.

Raging Ram[a]

Thu, 21 Jun 2007 09:09:27 GMT

Reporter asking Annabelle Rama on her reaction on Mother Lily's movie offers to her:

Annabelle: Grabe, di ko alam, very temptation eh.
Ruffa [in high-pitched kikay voice]: Oh my god, very temptation! Ha-ha!
[Annabelle slaps Ruffa's arm]

Paging ABS-CBN, bigyan na ng show ang mag-inang 'to.

x x x

This morning, on my way to work, I was walking to the nearby street corner to get a jeepney. Out of nowhere, this tall, young-looking man came out of a house and angrily slammed the gate. He shouted, "**ng i** **, lumabas ka na dyan". I thought it was his way of telling his friend, perhaps from inside the house, to hurry. And I thought he was cute - which was just so teenybopper of me.

Twelve paces later, a man erupted out of his gate. A middle-aged woman was desperately trying to stop him. Judging by the look of his face, the man was fuming, uncontrollably mad. The woman was shrieking, calling the man by his first name and pleading him to stop. Antonio was walking towards me, holding a bolo.

I looked back and the cute guy was still cursing. I'd say that didn't look like a friendly exchange. As I walked faster, he was taunting Antonio to come closer so that he can finally kill him. Antonio, then, raged like a bull, went past me and the sharp bolo still in his hands.

All of a sudden, a hollow block flew above me. Next thing I knew, the woman's shrieking became louder. It was haunting. My mind, reeling in from last night's shoot, suddenly snapped from oblivion: I just safely got out of a crossfire.

Indifference is the last thing on my mind. In times of crisis, we, Pinoys have this voyeurist mentality that compels us to move heaven and earth just to know what's going on but will not lift a single finger just to help someone out - hence, a culture of "usiseros" and showbiz talk shows. For once, I felt like debunking this mentality and crash the two men's big shebang. Of course, this is fueled by the thought that, if the fateful times comes and I was about to get mauled or worse, killed, would people actually dare to help?

I honestly wanted to go back and try to stop them, just like how FPJ does it in the movies. I'm afraid, though, that my frail body won't do so much. Since it's the technological age, I can call the barangay hall on my mobile phone and report that two madmen and doing their own street party. But, also, like in the movies, the police are almost always late so I figured that the only way was to retrace my steps and go fuckin' stop the two morons.

Suffice to say, I walked on and hailed a jeepney. I wasn't ready to walk with a bolo hanging on my back or worse, my skull on a hollow block. Had I walked a little more brisk, that hollow block that flew over me would have landed in my head. The desire to help was there; that's unquestionable. But I believe that it is more relevant to ask: is it worth it? But while the question hasn't been answered, this underlying fear will remain unsurmountable and Pinoys will, perhaps" remain "usiseros"